If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
absolute chaos
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.