If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
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[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Bro what is this
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested