I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
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Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“and how does that make you feel?”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.