I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The pasta is now
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right