When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep