Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.