if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.