Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
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Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies