*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
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Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit