*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
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me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.