News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
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The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
This is not me but this is me
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My circle of trust is a meatball
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”