“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Isn’t
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?