Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Print is alive and well!!!
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Tough love is true love
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.