I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
You Might Also Like
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
podcasts
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.