My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
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I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes