Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
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every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
j o i m p
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.