Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
cat vs inanimate object
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.