[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress