The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
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good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I’d hang this in my house.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
181.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?