When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
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worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
How software testing works
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago