8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
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To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
yeah 😭
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each