[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
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My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no