My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
You Might Also Like
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I have obtained a hat
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?