FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
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I triple waxed for this?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
need him
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats