[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time