The USS B port
You Might Also Like
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
knights of the ikea table
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.