I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”