Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
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I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.