My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
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[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
screw you
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting