I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
hackers play passwordle
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
translated into Canadian