Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
You Might Also Like
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
eggs benadryl
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.