Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
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HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.