A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
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Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Waiting for the Charmin
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow: