I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
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The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there