“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
True?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer