me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
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Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Anyone want a chair?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.