detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
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outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Siri, fight Alexa.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.