Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.