*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I have many caverns
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?