A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
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do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
The prophecy is fulfilled
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Is this you?
The Assassin.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.