Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
me, after any kind of buffet.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life