wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”