You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
You Might Also Like
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
This will teach them to underestimate me
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Nothing.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?