animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You Might Also Like
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.