i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke