If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song