The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman