Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
You Might Also Like
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.