still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
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Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.