Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.